Believe it or not, this is a song and it won't be hard to find the artist. Like I've said before, google is an amazing tool.
So, as I am writing this my birthday is tomorrow. I will be turning 21, its hard to believe I've even made it this long. As I think about my life so far I'm having a hard time thinking of any good that I've done. In my life or others. Like seriously, what have I done to improve myself? You can't really say I've gone to college cause, for those who know, I've only gotten myself into debt here so far. I haven't really made myself very desirable to anyone. You may wonder why I'm worried about this, the reason: I'm afraid of being alone. I am completely, utterly, awefully, terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. This is where Brittany comes into play, she was my first love. When I met her I fell in love right away. I fell hard, I couldn't do anything without her, and she reciprocated. We had made plans to spend forever together, and this made me happy and made me think I had accomplished something. That I had someone to take care of, someone who needed me. It was great, it was the reason why I went to college in the first place. I knew I would have a family soon to take care of and I wanted to be the best I could be. So I went off to college. While I was at college Brittany started working more to fill her time while I wasn't around. Well, it turns out that while I was gone she found someone who made her happier than I could. Turns out it was her boss, who she was only around so much cause I wasn't there. As you can guess I was crushed. This sent me into a downward spiral, she broke up with me in the beginning of march and from that point I didn't care anymore. I never went to class, I didn't take any of my finals and I failed every class I took last semester. I was more or less a vegetable. So the school year ended and I came home cause I needed to be around family. It took me close to a 2 months at home before I got over it, with much help from family and friends. So I'm not exactly sure what that story has to do with anything I just felt like I should tell everyone cause I'm not sure that everyone knows what happened. It also sort of ties into one of Crystals recent blogs. I wanted to tell her that I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could just get over it all and move on but I can't. I still find myself thinking about her every night before I fall asleep, I know we will never be together again and even if the opportunity surfaced I wouldn't take it cause I know we would not work out. We just couldn't make it work, no matter how bad I want it. I just wish I could get the f*** over it already. So, I guess this brings me back around to my original point. What good have I done for myself in my 21 years of this test, this life?
Now don't get me wrong, I'm really excited about turning 21! It's a big milestone, they say I'm an adult now. I certainly don't act like one but I "technically" am an adult now. o.O scary isn't it. I have a lot of people telling me I have to go get drunk cause thats the only way to spend your 21st birthday, but I plan on just hanging out with Awbrey and Amanda playing hobowars. Cause thats what my life consists of these days. And if I'm feeling really crazy I might teach myself some Java. Sounds like a crazy night to me! Ok, well I'm sorry to bore you with my sob story, I promise I will be back to my boring hobowars and Java ways next post. :)
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3 comments:
Ataris!!!!! Yea I am in the lead.
What good have you done in your life? Please.... you haven't lived yet to start with. But just that post helped me. So there is something you've done.
Sometimes I feel like all I did at A&M was get myself into debt. (I never skipped a final and I can't believe you did that. CAMMERON!) But in the end, I think undergraduate work is just an extension of high school anyway, so as long as you finish you have accomplished something and as long as you are still there, you are accomplishing something.
When I got down at your age, it helped me alot to think about our big brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. I know it sounds cliche, but I would just think, He didn't start his life's work until he was 30 years old. I can't be expected to do more than that.
Neither can you :)
Of course now I don't have that excuse :( But you do. And I can think of several stories of things you did in High School, good things that may seem immature and childish but show what a great young man you really are... so there.
It is always easier to think of the bad things that happen. Take time to think hard on the good you have done. I gaurantee you that it is a lot more than the bad. Happy birthday son.
Dad
I think it's really easy to get depressed like that sometimes - I know I do all the time - because you know who you are, a child of God, and you know that this life is a test and that we should be doing all the good we can. The fact that you know that drives Satan to want to pull you down even harder than those around you who aren't blessed with that amazing knowledge.
I think the only thing you can do now is try not to dwell on the past and look to the future. What can you start doing NOW so that at your next birthday you can say to yourself that you have done something good with your life?
I don't want to sound pushy, but it's not too late to serve a mission. Casey still looks back on his mission as some of the best years of his life because he learned so much about himself and grew closer to his Heavenly Father. Not to mention all the good he did for the people he served while there. Heavenly Father never, ever needs a robot, he needs Cammeron Parker Holloway to do many great a wonderful things while on this Earth. It just comes down to whether or not you're going to accept the calling.
Happy Birthday and I love you!
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